How to Get a Guy to Like You? Hot to flirt?
Society is made up of relationships; family members, friends, coworkers and perhaps most notably; our significant other. Because who really wants to end up alone? Not that alone time isn't a welcome respite, but there's a difference between being perfectly happy sipping your mocha latte while enjoying your own company and living on a deserted island with a volleyball for companionship (Wilson!).
Since you clicked on this article, perhaps you and I are the same in that we want to find a lasting relationship with a significant other. But if you're unsure how to do it, where to start, or just need a bit of a refresher, here are some tips on how to find the perfect guy.
Flirting is a universal and fundamental aspect of human interaction. It is part of human nature. Anthropological research has found flirting, in some form, in all cultures and societies and scientists theorize that it is the foundation of civilization as we know it.
Did you know that the art of flirting has many etiquette rules that are unwritten? They dictate when, where, with whom and how we flirt. You may not even be aware that you use these rules until someone breaks one. These complex and subtle rules can be confusing. I've made a few gaffs as I'm sure you have too.
Flirting in the North American and the U.K. has acquired a bad name and you might worry about sending the wrong signal or causing offense. In my research, I've come across some very useful tips.
To understand how to flirt effectively, it helps to know what your style of flirting is.
The Five Styles of Flirting
- Physical - conveying sexual interest
- Traditional - men take the lead, women are more passive, often used by introverts
- Polite - using proper manners to cautiously communicate interest
- Sincere - conveying sincere interest and wanting to establish emotional connection
- Playful -less interest in meaningful relationships, a way to boost self-esteem
Flirting does not have to be complicated. A look, a touch. Understanding which style fits you helps you to be more successful when you flirt and capitalize on your natural talents.
Decide whether you’re flirting for fun or flirting with intent
Light-hearted banter is harmless fun. Flirting for fun can brighten someone's day, elevate self-esteem or strengthen bonds in your social circle. But be careful about sending conflicting signals. Men have a tendency to think that friendly behavior is sexual flirting.
Reading this article, you're most likely past the point of flirting for fun because you want that cute guy to notice you for the awesome girlfriend-to-be that you are.
Remember these two rules:
1. Flirt with guys with the same level of attractiveness as you. Remember, you are more attractive than you think you are. Try flirting with some guys that are a bit more attractive than you think they are.
2. Don't flirt with guys who are unlikely to return your interest. If he's not interested in a long-term relationship, and you are, then don't waste your time flirting with him. Also remember that men tend to put emphasis on physical beauty and seek out younger women. This isn't to say that if you're older than him, he won't like you, just that it's a bit less likely.
How to Flirt
In order to successfully flirt you must be able to convey to your intended target that you find him interesting and attractive. Most people focus on the verbal aspect of flirting: knowing what to say or saying the right words. In fact, there isn't really any right words. What's more important is being able to approach him because the critical aspect of flirting is non-verbal.
When first meeting someone, only 7% of his initial impression will be on what you say and 38% on how you say it. The other 55% (over half!) will be on your appearance and body language. Non-verbal cues are much more likely to convey your interest in him. It all depends on your tone of voice, facial expressions, and your posture.
When you first meet that hunk of a guy, you may get the jitters or worry about rejection. Voicing intentions and feelings involve the risk of embarrassing yourself or being rejected. Body language, though, can get his attention, approval or disapproval without you having to worry about offending him or making binding commitments.
These non-verbal techniques are very powerful signals. Use them cautiously, especially since men tend to mistake friendliness for flirting.
Eyes are a critical tool for flirting. For my introverted friends, this can be extremely difficult. The first step is to smile and make eye contact. Eye contact can actually make you more attractive to someone. You don't want to start out too strong or seem hostile so be careful not to prolong eye contact. Making eye contact for a few seconds is plenty. If he's interested, after he's glanced away, he'll glance back and even better if it triggers a smile.
If he avoids making eye contact, he could be a shy guy or not interested. The best way to tell is to observe his actions towards others. If he seems nervous or aloof around others then it may not be that he is feeling disinterest. If you choose to approach, do so cautiously.
When you do approach, make eye contact again. Once your eyes meet it's okay to begin a conversation. Remember: it's okay for the speaker (you or him) to look away. It's quite normal for eye contact to be broken during a conversation. Direct eye contact usually lasts between one and seven seconds. Staring too long can come off as creepy or give misleading signals.
The basic rule is to glance at his face when you are listening and glance away when you are speaking but make brief eye contact.
The rule for this is rather simple. Too far away means disinterest, but too close (less than eighteen inches) is crossing into their personal space. Getting into personal space is reserved for close relationships. Watch for signals of tightly folded legs or neck rubbing. You are too close and need to back up a bit.
This is not just about good posture. While he may seem interested it's crucial to watch for nonverbal leakage.
- Bad Signs: Head turned toward you, rest of him is turned away. Leaning backward, supporting his head on his hand (signs of boredom) or a closed posture (arms folded, legs tightly crossed)
- Good Signs: Leaning forward, arms and legs not crossed, body turned toward you, mirror image or echo of your posture. You can echo his posture too.
An absence of or a blank facial expression shows a lack of interest. Be natural. Smile and nod. Use your eyebrows to show surprise. Frown when you're puzzled. There are endless expressions. Make sure to use your face.
Gestures can signal allure, appeal, and encouragement; or anxiety, antipathy, and dismissal. Gestures differ from culture to culture but a basic rule is that someone who is interested in you will be more lively and animated in their conversation.
You can signal your interest to him with gestures too. At the end of a sentence, you can shift your hands or head slightly. You can use downward hand movements for emphasizing a point and open-palm movements to 'project' what you are saying. Nodding in agreement shows interest.
Watch for signals of anxiety or nervousness. Anxious gestures, proximal movements, are gestures he makes directed to his own body such as hands close to the chest.
Mirroring gestures is also a powerful flirting technique. If he seems awkward or uncomfortable, try to reflect his gestures and body movements. If he suddenly begins mirroring yours it is a sign that he is comfortable with you.
There are three types of touching when flirting and I’m not talking about sexual.
- Friendly - pat on the shoulder, taps, and handshakes
- Plausible deniability - the classic yawn and the arm goes around your shoulders move. Touching his waist or forearm (did I just brush your arm?!) also fall into this category
- Going Nuclear - touching his face, soft and gentle touches to the arms and waist
The Power of Red
There really is such a thing called the red dress effect. Red symbolizes power and confidence. Wearing a red dress or red lipstick brings the attention to you. Men are sexual creatures and red will also make you appear sexier, more like Marilyn Monroe. Keep this in mind when you’re shimmying into that hot little red number. Red will get him on the hook and it’s up to you to keep him there.
Places to flirt
Parties, celebrations, festivals and such are much more relaxed than normal social settings. There's a reason for the phrase ‘let your hair down’. But we're not talking about throwing all your inhibitions to the wind, merely that flirty behavior which is frowned upon in more structured situations is actually required here and refusal to participate can make you look like a prude.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions and can aid your flirting. I'm not suggesting that you need to be rip-roaring drunk although that's totally up to you. Bars, nightclubs, restaurants etc. have public zones, near the bar, where approaching strangers and conversing is acceptable and private zones which are more favorable for flirting between 'established' partners.
Not that you have to go back to college or high school. You can, however, take an evening class or course. It can provide opportunities for relaxed flirting and the advantage is that you are around people with similar interests.
Flirting at work is much more rigid and is governed by your company's rules. Be careful with this one. Know what your company's policy is about flirting in the workplace. You don't want to risk being accused of harassment.
Participating in Hobbies and Sports
This is another tricky one. Research has found that the more serious a person is about their sport or hobby, the less likely they are to respond or want to flirt. If it's a casual hobby or sport, then flirting is more likely to be accepted.
- Game playing - no one likes head games. It's better in the long run to show your interest
- Disrespect - different than teasing. Meanness or embarrassment is a big turn off
- Being a whiner - asking for help is ok, begging for constant attention is not
- Clinginess - contrary to popular belief, jealousy and possessiveness are big turn-offs
- Coming on too strong - unless you are only looking for a hook-up
- Flirting with him when he's angry - he's too distracted; different from flirting to cheer him up from sadness or disappointment
- Flirting in a professional setting - may lead to negative consequences
Now that you’ve got the attention of that gorgeous guy, it’s time to decide if he’s the one for you. Get to know him. Does he meet your criteria of what's important in a partner? Make sure he isn't in a relationship. What do others think of him? Outside points of view from your friends or his are fantastic insights to what you might be overlooking.
Don't rush. Hanging out once in awhile when you are first getting to know him is great. He needs some space and you don't want to come across as desperate. As you get to know him better, hanging out will happen more often.
Important qualities of a potential boyfriend to consider
- Attention span - does he pay attention to you, to his job etc. Not having high self-control makes communication and relating difficult.
- Delayed gratification - Does he need everything now? Having little patience or high credit card debt means he can't wait for what he wants.
- Planning - spontaneity is fun but all the time can mean he is not conscientious which may end up backfiring on you.
- Achievement - Does he finish what he starts. Dreams and goals are wonderful, but all talk and no results are huge red flags.
How you act determines if he wants to be your boyfriend
A man wants to get to know you and presenting him with a facade can backfire. Be yourself but be unique. No need to pressure yourself into doing things you don't enjoy but be willing to try new things. Even if you don't like it, it can give you and him something to talk about.
Be approachable. Set aside time from your busy schedule to hang out with him. Smile and wave when you see him across a room. Be nice to others. He'll notice. You want to be the woman that people are comfortable being around.
Talk and get to know each other. Be interested in his life without invading his privacy. Sharing your experiences and listening to his creates bonding and gives you an idea of who he is.
Develop your friendship. Having things in common besides the relationship stuff is more attractive to your guy in the long run. He will see what he can gain from being around you.
Find out what you have in common. Opposites may attract and according to the research of
Don’t get relegated to the friend zone! It’s awesome to have guy friends but that isn’t your long-term goal. If you want a real relationship, you’re going to have to make that known to him.
Getting him to fall for you
Encourage him to be his best self. Give him the space to do what he loves. Encourage him. Avoid condescension or pushing unwanted advice and especially let him be who he is. Relationships often fall apart when one person tries to make the other change.
If you don't like something that he does, tell him without being overly critical. Making a man feel horrible about his actions or words does not make you attractive to him. You can be an example and offer to help or emotionally support him.
You be your best self. Putting your life and interests on hold because you think it will please him will cause you to feel resentful in the long run. Keep participating in the hobbies and activities that you love. Invite him along to try it. Ask for advice to change things you don't like about yourself.
Be independent. You want him around but have your own mind and standards. You want to be his partner, not his blow-up doll. It's okay to express your likes and dislikes. Being a "yes" woman may be okay in the beginning but it will cause resentment in the long run.
Encourage his independence. It might be a fun idea for him to spend all day, every day with you, but eventually, you will feel crowded and want space. One reason guys avoid relationships is because they feel like they will have to give up the friends, hobbies, sports etc that they love. He needs to know and see that if he's with you, that will not be the case.
Making the move to girlfriend
This is the 21st century and it's perfectly acceptable to make the first move. He might be shy or think you're out of his league. You'll never know until you ask. Sure, the idea of being rejected is scary but not knowing is worse.
Keep flirting! Flirting doesn’t have to end just because you’ve got his attention. Refer to the first part of this article for flirting tips.
If he still hasn’t asked you on a date after you’ve made your move; ask him. Make sure to ask something that's easy to say yes to. Would you like to go out for coffee? Once he says yes, then follow up with when. If you or him are shy, then make it a group date. It needs to be something that will appeal to him. Remember to be confident when you ask him. People find confidence attractive.
Stuff to remember about dating
Remember to be a good partner. If it doesn't work out, you still want to be known as a great woman to date. Being fun, active and supportive are ways to show that you're a great person to be around.
Even after he's become your boyfriend, you still need to remember to give him his space. You do not want to become known as a critical, lazy or possessive woman. Interdependence is the key.
No cheating! This one seems obvious but there are so many women who stay with one guy while flirting and hanging out with someone else. Be fair to the guy. If you're not interested anymore then break up with him.
Flirting with the cute guy across the bar or dance floor should be fun. It's important to know what you want and some red flags about potential bombs. And being yourself and taking it slow can lead to a lasting and meaningful relationship with him.
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